People Who Adopt are NOT Better Than You

 As almost any reader of this post knows, my family is in the thick of an international adoption.  We are overseas in Bulgaria, adopting two special needs children, and this is a very, very difficult time for our family.  As historic, orthodox Christians and Anglicans, we are doing this with an awareness that all members of the body of Christ have a duty to live their lives in ways that reflect the love of God, and that adoption is one way that we do that.  We hope that’s the case – that you don’t see people who are different from you because they are built differently or choose differently, but that you see people who are willfully obedient to the call of Jesus who had changed us into the people we are and continue changing us, through experiences like these, into whom He would have us to be.

We have been told before that people think we believe we are “better” than them because we adopt, and because we advocate for others to adopt.  This is entirely false – we know that adoption isn’t for everyone, for a variety of reasons, but we also believe that more people can, and should, adopt.  So, we not only share our stories, being as real as we can while protecting our children, but we do “preach” a bit about the importance and message of adoption.  Honestly, we’re not sure how anyone who thinks something is really important would do otherwise.

But, if that were all I had to say, this would not even be worth posting.  That’s a tweet, not a post.  Instead, I have a rapacious story to share about adopting families that will dispel the myth that someone who adopts is somehow better than anyone else. 

In the story of Phineas, Zeus punishes Phineas by blinding him and placing him on a desolate island with a limitless amount of sustenance. During every meal, however, harpies would swoop down and snatch the food off of Phineas’ plate, leaving behind refuse and fouled remains of his food. Their voracious behavior would leave the blind king in a perpetual state of starvation. Their goal was not to feed themselves but to ruin the king’s food. Harpies still exist today, albeit in a different form.

A cabal of harpies exists in what was the lone Facebook group that is oriented toward adoptions from Bulgaria.  This group, unsurprisingly called “Bulgaria Adoptions”, has about 1800 members, and since there wasn’t another group on FB, we decided to join it as soon as we looked into adopting from Bulgaria.  Our agency, Lifeline, warned us that they do not recommend joining any FB groups that they are not permitted to also join.  We had seen people complain about their agencies in other adoption groups (such as China) in the past and recognized that agencies might not like that kind of unregulated criticism (some of which is surely unwarranted, but some of which might be warranted and stifled if agency reps were allowed to join).  So, we thanked them for their recommendation and joined anyway – there really were no other options for learning from those who had trod this path before. 

Very early on we learned that this was not a Christian group.  The snark, the profanity, and the dismissal of alternative views to those held by maybe a dozen group members were evident very quickly.  Still, with no other options, we stayed in – and we did learn and benefit from information and opinions held by various group members.  Personally, I interacted little, if any.  Carrie was the primary communicator for us, and she has access to FB more often than I.  But the spirit of the group was concerning to us both.  There was a conversation where Carrie defended a woman who was being bullied for an alternate (and innocently expressed) opinion to those held by this cabal.  The response of one of the harpies was, essentially, “I can be a bitch whenever I want.  I don’t care who thinks I’m a bitch.”  And, she even changed her profile picture to a poodle to “prove” her commitment to her chosen moniker. 

Then we started to hear that this coven was not merely FB bullies, but bullies in real life!  After one disagreement, members of the cabal contacted an agency that gives grants to adopting families and told the agency not to give the grant to a certain family – because they claimed the family members were racists!  Of course, there was no evidence that the family attempting to adopt was racist.  But, it didn’t matter.  Cancel culture has even entered the adoption world, and the threat of bad publicity cowed the agency, which denied the family the grant they expected.  We realized that we had better be careful. 

It didn’t matter how careful we were.  This cabal of harpies was swooping about, seeking something to be “offended” by and attack those whom they knew had alternative views.  In response to one of Carrie’s posts about our time here in Bulgaria, multiple women essentially ordered Carrie to “stop taking your kids on outings”.  Mind you, this is our 5th and 6th adoptions, and we know that the last thing our new daughter (and her sisters here with us) needs is unstructured time, which results in mania for her and meltdowns for her and her sisters.  They told her she couldn’t post pictures of our son, even though many of them have posted very similar pictures (his condition is not unique in eastern European orphanages in particular).  When Carrie used humor to describe our kids struggles at a ropes course, the coven claimed she was mocking our children.  When Carrie described our new daughter’s wild overuse of Carrie’s makeup, “that’s why she’s walking around looking like a cheap hooker”, they cried out “you are calling your daughter a hooker!”  They told us not to tell about any of the suffering our kids have endured because it’s “their story” – which these women think they have the right to decide, but apparently we don’t.  When Carrie expressed thanks that the kids were doing better than we had expected from their files, one of the women told us we were being “ableist” and ”causing harm” by being thankful for a better than expected result.  In short, Carrie was being bullied by the mean girls in middle school, a bunch of know-it-all narcissists who clearly find their value in being the self-appointed “adoption experts”.  But it didn’t stop there, and I had seen enough. 

“No.”  That one word was the primary response I used to members of this cabal.  One or two other members of the group tried to say something positive about our experiences and sharing of those experiences, and one person did express respectful questioning of our style of sharing our story.  Otherwise, there were 6-8 coven members lashing out wildly, and everyone else in the group was cowed by their bullying.  So, despite the fact that I prefer not to have arguments (in person or online) with women, because I feel it is disrespectful on my part, I engaged every single objector and objection.  Some just got the one word, because their accusations were asinine.  Others were dressed down.  Others were offered olive branches. 

I’m not good at everything, but I am good with words.  Aside from name-calling and profanity, the members of the cabal were clearly outmatched…or, simply, had never had anyone with a spine take a stand in the middle of their circle of hatred and refuse to be cowed (without responding with the kind of nasty personal attacks they were using, at least), and they didn’t know how to deal with it.  So, they appealed to one of the moderators to kill the post (which was my wife’s share of her blog). 

Well, Carrie had seen enough and made a quick post, essentially saying, “you all are terrible, I’m starting a new group for Christians adopting from Bulgaria and Eastern Europe, and leaving here.  You can keep this for yourselves if you want.”

I stayed in the group, simply to try to defend others from bullying that would likely come up again.  There were two or three quizzical responses to Carrie’s post – “I never saw anything like that” or “what happened”.  I explained to them that there had been a dust up, and that the new group Carrie was starting wouldn’t have that kind of drama because no one in the group will be telling other families what to do with unsolicited demands out of “love” and “concern”.  I also expressed that I hoped that sort of thing didn’t happen again. 

And then, a member of the cabal decided she wanted to have the fight. (Apologies in advance – I was being overwhelmed by the volume of replies and it’s a little tough to follow below in the middle of it all)

If you haven’t seen the blog, no one calls anyone’s baby ugly, body shames, or calls our kids those things.  It’s just outright nonsense.  Then, other members of the coven joined in:

And I was having none of it.

(the reasonable argument has been edited out - it consisted of a reasonable response to my post and my reply. nothing further resulted from it.) Then, the only time a man tried to pile on was with a defense of communism: 

 (There is a missed comment or two here about how Carrie and I are misogynistic, hateful people who bully our kids and call them names, and need help, and that she had never looked at my profile)

I am trying to turn the conversation in a more useful direction, but the replies, obviously coordinated, stopped at this point.  I went to bed after about 45 minutes of no responses (it was after 1 am my time, but early evening in the states).  I screenshotted all I could, since I had seen how they would delete posts and make false claims afterward.  Because I didn’t catch the earlier comments, you don’t get to see how we were called “fucking disgusting” and “ignorant AF”, for example, among other gems.

So, of course, I am banned from the group.  The cabal continued to post about us and screenshot our blog even after kicking us out.  Obviously, they were already DM’ing behind our back (“I heard he is a chaplain”).  They have now posted the following lies:

Unbelievable.  I countered a spate of name-calling with “you obviously haven’t been classically educated” (neither have I!), and that’s why I’m bounced?  Those harpies called us every name in the book, and while I clearly did call their *stated opinions* ignorant and asinine, that is different from calling them personally those things – which is what they did to us.  Even if we are going to call my comments “personal and rude”, wasn’t calling us “fucking disgusting” or “petty and ignorant personalities”, or an “abusive narcissist” far worse? 

And that nonsense about “variety of beliefs” is clearly telling the group not to say negative things about communism, since no other belief but Christianity was even mentioned, and that wasn’t discussed.  Incredible.

The posts were removed so they can lie about us like this.  How I wish I had screenshotted the first post they deleted – but, honestly, it was just more of the same.

This coven cannot abide anyone who stands up to them.  So, not only did they get us banned from the page and lie about us afterward, but, get this: they also coordinated emails to our adoption agency to try to get us in trouble!  Judging from their typical nonsense in the group, I’m sure it was phrased like, “we are really concerned about the children, about the program.  What if authorities found out that this couple had this picture and said something mean on their blog about Bulgarian orphanages?  That’s a nice Bulgaria adoption program you’ve got there.  Be a shame if something were to happen to it.  I hope you can fix this.”

Mind you, no one really reads our blog except our friends and these harpies.  The embedded videos get maybe 40-60 views when they are posted. The only way “the authorities” would discover our blog is if someone went to them and told them it was problematic, and that is exactly the threat this coven is making.  Many of them have adopted kids with severe needs, they know how hard it is for us in-country at this point, and they don’t care.  The harpies don’t care about the children - they care about damaging us. They must crush any opposition under the heel of their hob-nailed boots.

This is what happens when people bow to the mob.  Cowardice in the face of the mob empowers the mob and puts others at greater risk.  This lady who wrote the pack of lies about us is, from what I can tell, a Christian  – so, to give her the benefit of the doubt, I assume she bowed to the mob and booted me and took down the post, with the result that the lies above could be easily spread with no counter…because no reasonable person could read that thread and come to the conclusion that I was the one making personal attacks on innocent, caring, concerned commenters.  That grant agency should have told these harpies to buzz off.  When they crumbled, it told the cabal that they had power and could force other people to do what they wanted.  And that, my friends, is a very bad place for our culture to be.

Wicked, nasty people are everywhere.  Some of them do very good things, like adopt severely disabled children.  That seems to make them think they are better than other people…yet, that isn’t enough.  They must lash out at others who disagree with them on anything, especially if those in opposition are Christians.  If you looked at the profiles of these harpies, you would find that they are what Christian Walker described in his tweet today: 

The harpies want to damage us because of ideology, and because we were willing to take a stand. In the myth of Phineas, the harpies are driven off by Jason and the Argonauts. Who has the courage to drive off the harpies today?

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long will you attack a man,
That you may murder him, all of you,
Like a leaning wall, like a tottering fence?
They have planned only to thrust him down from his high position;
They delight in falsehood;
They bless with [b]their mouth,
But inwardly they curse. Selah

My soul, wait in silence for God alone,
For my hope is from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My refuge; I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my glory rest on God;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
~ Psalm 62:1-7

Pray for us, that we act out of wisdom and not anger – at these people who would rather shut down the system of adoption of children in desperate need because they can’t stand it when someone stands up to them.  Pray for our agency, that it navigates the waters of the situation with surety.  Pray for these women – so firmly ensconced in their sinfulness and pride that they not only appoint themselves as experts, but as masters, and surely cannot see their need for a Savior.  The God who makes a heart of stone into a heart of flesh does miracles every day, and only He can move us to where He would have us to be.

The Story of Cyrus (by Carrie)

“Don’t allow your desire for comfort to assuage you from living radically for Jesus in this world...if you feel a little fear, that’s a good sign you are on the right track.”

Cyrus, Sep. 2017

This comforting quote was in my devotional this week. This process has been faith-building for me. I used to believe that if I didn’t feel a “peace” about something right away, it must not be the right decision. This lack of peace caused months of anxiety looking at the files of dozens of children hoping one had less severe needs than Cyrus’. I didn’t think we could do a wheelchair-bound child. A child who would never walk or talk was not on my radar. Changing diapers for the rest of my life did not sound appealing. But the longer we prayed about it, the more we felt this was the direction we were supposed to go, regardless of feeling “peace” and quite frankly, being scared to death of the idea of it all. It was only after saying a feeble “yes” to adopting Cyrus that peace began to come. I no longer believe that having fear or a lack of peace about something means it isn’t the right thing to do. After all, being brave does not mean being unafraid- it means doing it anyway! So, we’re doing it anyway. 

Cyrus, Sep 2017

In just about 2-3 weeks, we’ll be “meeting” Cyrus for the first time. Bulgaria is typically a 2 trip country to complete an adoption, but due to Covid, they have made the first “bonding trip” virtual. We’re preparing our list of questions and our hearts for what we might see, and we have no idea what to really expect. The most recent photo we have of him was from 18 months ago, so we don’t even know what he looks like now.  Since we have the official approval to adopt him, we have been able to find out where he’s been living the past 5 years, here:

Cyrus, September 2017

in a town on the border of Turkey and Greece that is one of the oldest settlements in all of Bulgaria. Some of the orphanages in Bulgaria are trying to shut down and put the children into more of a “group home” setting and even foster care to give them a more family-like atmosphere.  Even these group homes, however, are no substitute for the love of a family, as this short film demonstrates:

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The documentary series I shared in the last post revealed the appalling conditions of many of the orphanages across the country and some reforms were made because of it. Cyrus’s orphanage is one that is trying to shut down. It is a huge, old dilapidated building that once housed many children...but only 13 of them remain. The healthier children were moved out into group homes and foster care, and the children with more severe medical needs were left there, sadly because there was nowhere else to put them. There are only two rooms of the orphanage now in operation, and a few rotating staff members. The children left are mostly crib-bound. It’s not a stretch to say that Cyrus hasn’t been outside much, and he hasn’t ever seen the sunshine or felt the fresh air on his face except for the few times he’s been to the hospital for tests and treatment. He’s led a solitary life of mostly staring at white walls and playing with his hands. We received a recent medical update that Cyrus was hospitalized for 4 days in July for weight loss and vomiting, and his weight was already only 23 pounds at the age of 5, so he had no weight to lose. 

Cyrus, April 2019

Cyrus’s main diagnosis is cerebral palsy. This is a general diagnosis given to many of the children when the minimal testing done has not revealed any other obvious reason for their delays and medical problems. It’s likely this is accurate for him, however, as he has some clear markers for this condition. We paid for the services of an International Adoption Clinic specialist in Seattle to review his file and discuss with us what to expect, what tests he will need, and what much of his confusing medical diagnoses mean. He has an undiagnosed genetic syndrome that we will need to investigate at some point which may explain a lot of his symptoms and other conditions. Many of the children from this country also have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, though we don’t believe he has this judging from his facial characteristics and file. We are most concerned about the fact that he has a “profound” mental delay, and frequent “neurogenic vomiting” and lack of any weight gain since April of 2019. We are expecting that he will initially need a feeding tube to help him catch up and meet the nutritional deficit he’s suffered. We have had both doctors who’ve reviewed his file support a medical expedite to get him home quickly due to his failure to thrive there. Typically there are about 4-6 months in between “trip 1” and “trip 2” to pick them up, but nothing about this year has been typical, so all we can do is hope he will be home by April, since we are set to move this summer!

Cyrus, April 2019

And the good news is that we are fully funded! We had a $3,000 matching grant, and the goal was very quickly met by just a few faithful friends. One friend blessed us beyond belief and allowed us to not have to do months of fundraising. We are so thankful to have this burden lifted! It’s one thing about this adoption that we do not have to worry about now. Thank you for helping us meet this goal in less than a week of fundraising!